The AKB0048 trailer elicits many strange emotions upon first viewing. A swirling, bubbling cauldron of fresh ideas with poignant messages lies bare in front of us, ready for us to ravage it with our minds in a completely nonsexual way. There are layers upon layers of themes presented just in this two minute trailer, something that rocks prospective viewers to the core and leaves them desiring to have the holes in their heart filled by cheaply-produced J-Pop in the ‘guise of a serious drama.
Lock up your children, close your blinds, and relax as the trailer takes you on a journey from the deepest crevices of human depravity to the heights of understanding. I must warn you, dear reader, this is truly a transcendental, slightly grainy experience:
Shockingly, there are some naysayers that doubt whether the series will be the pinnacle of human achievement. To these terrible people, I say does that trailer look like something fucking awful? Well it might, since I don’t understand a lick of what they said. But just to be safe, since I understand that it can be a bit dense for first-time viewing, I’ll give the rundown of what’s undoubtedly the plot of the show, based off of two minutes of hastily-spliced teaser footage.
Our story begins in space, as all good ones do, with moon runes taking up the majority of the screen.
I can’t understand what they say, but I have to assume that they mean “In a universe unappreciative of song, one planet stands to welcome a bedraggled race of misunderstood alien singers.” Thousands of years after initial arrival, and after having taught primitive humans the magic of J-Pop, their entire race has been enslaved and forced to work heavy machinery for their oppressors.
And like in District 9, they are restricted to squalid camps, metaphors for Japan’s infamous apartheid system where those who have singing talent are kept apart and deemed inferior to their untalented ilk. We are then shown a busy factory floor and a flashing “Don’t walk onto the train tracks unless you want to have your bones pulverized, dipshit!” sign, because apparently the future still uses trains that don’t hover for some reason.
However, all is not lost for our downtrodden heroes, as the ugly grey clouds have parted unto night, the moonlight showering its chosen people with its blessing. The idols realize this is their chance to strike back and earn their freedom! The attack begins conspicuously enough, with a giant floating platform shooting strobe light lasers onto the unfortunate populace below as the idols sing what I can only assume to be an inappropriately peppy dirge for the massacred people.
The native Earth forces have mobilized, but not quickly enough to match the awe-inspiring might of the idols and their deadly surfing/singing combination. The screen cuts to black after a series of bombings and ship infiltrations, leaving me to assume that the idols won a crushing victory against their oppressors before the title screen.
Oh wait nevermind. One of the idols receives a message from her holographic communicator, denoting what can only be a new nighttime career in crime fighting. This is backed up by the following scene, where the idol is falling asleep in a now-integrated classroom, much to her unbelievably blonde art teacher’s (I can tell because of the beret and the painting behind her) chagrin. However, the teacher is also aware of her exploits, so she can just offer a sigh of slight displeasure in response.
Soon, the threat by an extremist fringe group of rabid idolists, people who are against everything that idols stand for , forces the disparate group to band together yet again for one final battle for their right to party.
And how will they do this, you ask? Through the magic of little girls singing on camera and what I assume were bake sales! Alas, the art teacher isn’t amused with the results and threatens to cut their group unless they can raise enough funds to pay for her smack habit.
Alas, all progressively gets worse for the idols, as one of their deaths after a valiant mission forces the token blue-hair into a state of depression, refusing to leave her bed no matter how much her red-headed friend pleads. The blonde pigtailed girl from the video promotion, who took over as head of the group after the art teacher was kidnapped by the idolist extremists, isn’t too happy with their results either, this time because Redhead’s been napping on the job. Nice going, bitch!
However, a decision is reached that fighting crime really isn’t the way to reach the idolists, since the idols can only sing. So, in a moment of brilliance, they organize a final concert to sway the idolist forces that are slowly amassing. After the show, in a rare display of sensitivity to a very select group of people, Short Redhead (Different from normal Redhead) confesses her feelings to a land jellyfish, starting a perplexing lifelong relationship that everyone will feel awkward over for years.
But then oh shit, there’s an emergency! The brakes on Short Redhead’s bicycle have been cut, and she’s going downhill into the path of a moving train and SERIOUSLY WHY ARE THERE STILL OLD FASHIONED TRAINS YOU GUYS? Redhead can only sit back and watch as her sister is crushed against the tracks beyond salvation.
Pinky and Replacement Art Teacher have heard good news though, their first final concert was such a big hit that they want to organize a second final one and bring everyone along. Our final shot before one of the group is of Purple-ish Hair singing, her dream of freeing her people from oppression having finally come true; a beautiful ending to a beautiful and unsurprisingly cohesive story.
There. Now do you see the reason why I say that AKB0048 is the epitome of human understanding, a rollercoaster of human emotion the likes of which we’ll never see again? Good, then tune in April 29th and watch my bold predictions come to fruition! And if you think you can do a better job plotting this out, I’d like to see you try.