AKB0048 is a special kind of stupid, not helped at all by the stupefyingly gaudy finale and writing on par with the material churned out by the half-literate transients that Capcom hires to write the stories for their games. I was tempted to resign myself to a post similar to Scamp’s 20 Reasons to Watch Aquarion EVOL, because any show where a girl can shoot missiles out of her arm while her friends use microphones as lightsabers deserves at least a nod before being rightfully catapulted into the oblivion of collective public amnesia.
But something happened that shouldn’t have, given that this was about as gimmicky a show as can be, something that shocked the world to the core, setting off several minor earthquakes worldwide—a sequel was announced at the tail-end of the episode. The “official” reason? Apparently the show was popular, or the people who decided to fund it were high on more oxycodone than was originally thought. But perhaps it’s not as simple as all that.
Maybe, just maybe, it’s a warning to the rest of humanity about the threat that AKB48 poses to America, and the training and weaponry that they’re being provided in order to become an interplanetary terrorist entertainment or “terrortainment” organization; we’ve already seen the horrible dystopia that the dastardly group will set in motion should they ever gain access to our deepest darkest emotions through catchy, awful J-Pop. We’d better heed the show’s warnings before it’s too late, and the arm-missile shooting cyborgs of AKB48 gain a monopoly over humanity’s collective entertainment industry. Alas, it may already be too late.
Sure, for now they may just be trying to achieve a stranglehold on our music and our anime, but what will fall next as they cut a bloody swath through popular media? Radio dramas? Minstrel shows? Our own minds?! It won’t be long until our own non-AKB children, eyes untainted by the power of moving entertainment, are conscripted and tricked into serving AKB48’s vile machinations, in space. Do you want your little boys to wave their glow-sticks around like howler monkeys, putting their lives on the line to protect these bastards from detainment at the hands of noble entertainment-stopping organizations? I know I don’t.
AKB48’s weaponry and grasp on robotics is evidently peerless. They’re ruthless, moving forward with a single-minded purpose. The AKBorg Collective is unstoppable, and only the second series, which will presumably be called AKB00048, can give humanity the hope needed to defeat them by giving a look into the foulness of their organization. So watch the second season, for the sake of your future. Until then, here’s a handy guide for determining whether your neighbors, close family, or significant others are AKB plants:
1. They’re surrounded by glowing cuttlefish aliens on a regular basis
2. They don’t find gravure shots of 13-18 year old girls all that creepy
3. They know all the words and choreography to ‘Cherry Boy’
4. They have a missile launcher protruding from their arm, most likely explained away as a birth defect.
5. They constantly talk in a cold, robotic monotone about how you will be assimilated into the AKBorg.
Or yeah, maybe the sequel is a result of the aforementioned oxycodone high.